I Want What You Have

I was told that yesterday after the church service. I was hugging everybody after church. I went up to an elderly gentleman (name withheld for various reasons) in the service. I reached out to give him a hug. After he pulled back from me, he told me, "I want what you have!" He had tears in his eyes.

It struck me as being a little odd! What did I have that he could possibly want? I smiled and went on my way.

But now that I reflect back on it, that statement has struck a chord in my soul.

I have never viewed my life nor "what I have" as being wanted by another person. I had always trudged along in my life, desperately trying to make my way, doing the best that I could. For the last 14 years, my husband has been by my side, helping me along, getting us out of debt, helping me to raise 4 boisterous boys, pushing for what is best in our lives.

But that was why I did not have joy in my life...I was trudging along all by myself. Just recently, I tried to include a friend in my life, to share with her my ups and downs. We shared some parts of our lives with each other, but I still did not find joy. In my attempts to connect with her, she shoved me as far away from her that her arm could reach. My husband is a wonderful, responsible, loving man, but I still did not have that joy in my life. My husband has loved me through it all. I had always simply wanted somebody to love me and have a family...why wasn't I happy? Would I never be satisfied? In my past, I had tried all sorts of avenues, looking for that joy. Never did find it.

Where was the joy in life? I had been in and out of church for the past 41 years, had dabbled in the religion thing, had actually been baptized a couple of times. But I was officially saved 4 years ago with the conception of my baby boy, and I remember walking around the house singing, praising Him and feeling a joy that I had never felt before. But I have to honestly say, that the joy that I felt kind of wavered from time to time. I knew I was saved, that I had asked Jesus into my heart, but I never felt Him surrounding me in my life. I never honestly felt bathed in His love.

And just recently, I was starting to feel a depression coming on me again. Where was that dad gum joy that I so fervently seeked all my life? Where was it? Where was it? I knew that I was saved, but I questioned my salvation all the time. Was I doing this right or was I doing it wrong? I didn't have the motivation to read the bible on a daily basis, but I continued to try to live up to the standards set by Christ in the bible.

What was I doing wrong? Where was the joy?

And you know what? It was around me the whole time. I just didn't know it! I had not reached out and grabbed hold of it! But when I reached and received it, it was the most glorious and amazing feeling of joy that I had ever had in my life! This was what I had seeked and searched for my whole life!

It was the Holy Spirit that brought everything alive for me! It was the Holy Spirit that painted the picture of Christ being crucified on the Cross! It was the Holy Spirit that bathed me in joy! It was the Holy Spirit that lit a fire in me! It was the Holy Spirit that has given me a boldness to not be afraid to stand up for the Lord, not be afraid in my praise and worship, not be afraid to tell the world that I'm a child of God! It was the Holy Spirit that gave me what I have!

I now get it! By golly, after 41 years, I get it! I don't know why it took 41 years for me to reach out for that joy with God, but now I get it and I've received it! I think all those tests and trials that I've gone through in the past has made me a stronger person, because I have learned from them! That's what Paul said, "Grow strong in your weaknesses and troubles."

My friend so poignantly wrote to me, "Twinkle, Twinkle little star...do you hear it? Don't stop, Ronda!" Well, I'm still twinkling and I'm not stopping!

I used to be that apathetical worshipper. I used to sit in my designated pew in church, surrounded by my loving family. I had my boys on one side and my husband on the other side. I used to meekly, if ever, raise my hands in praise and worship.

Now that I have that joy and now that I get it, I will raise my hands high and sing with my whole soul and body! God deserves my praise from me! I listen when the pastor is preaching and I take notes! I sit at home and read the bible anytime that I can find time! I've got a fire lit in me and I'm not gonna let go! I can not let go because I DO NOT want the life that I led before! It was empty, without anything! Now my life is filled with God!

Actually, I saw in my friend something that I wanted, also. She had a fellowship with the Lord that I wanted, needed, seeked! But in my attempt to seek what she had, I shoved too hard and she shoved back. Now that I've got it, we can't share with each other our experiences. And I honestly don't know why!!! Hurt feelings, overstepping my bounds, smothering, somebody else involved, lack of communication...I don't know, the list could go on and on. But I want her to know that all I wanted was what she had, and now I have it! And God has an overabundance of it, he has enough for everybody! I want her to know that I still love her deeply as a friend and sister in Christ!

I'm reaching out to other people for friendship, but not in the same fervor that I was in the past.

I'm finding myself standing back and aloof for a reason. I've always been a quiet type of person, but now I understand why God made me that way. It makes me more watchful and observant of what is going on around me. It gives me the ability to listen to other people. I used to hate the fact that I was more of an introvert type of person...now I'm grateful for it. I'm reserved and quiet except when the Holy Spirit gets hold of me! I'm learning on a daily basis from revelations by reading the word why I'm supposed to be that way.

I've found my best friend in Jesus! He gave His life for me, what other friend would do that for me? Absolutely nobody! Except maybe my mother, of course. She loves me unconditionally, also! But Jesus actually died for me! His life was taken so that I could live! Does anybody else grasp what that really means??!! That means if a gun was pointed at me, that Jesus would have dived in front of the bullet to save my life! He loves me that much! It is as poignant and simple as that!

But let me also emphasize, I still make mistakes and stumble along and step on people's toes and say the wrong things. But it no longer steals from my joy! God's love is always there for me to receive no matter what I do wrong! And it's all because of Jesus and His sacrifice on the cross that I can ask God for His forgiveness when I stumble! I will always have that joy no matter how many mistakes I continue to make in my life! I will always have that relationship with God, all because of Jesus' sacrifice for me!

Now, I have people telling me that they want what I've got. I find it almost ironic! I now have what other people so desperately want in their lives. For 41 years I searched for it and now I have it and now other people are looking at me and wanting it!

The joy of the Lord can be in anybody's life ALL the time if they simply possess it, believe in Him and receive it! They can take possession of peace, power, righteousness, fruitullness, joy...but all they have to do is take it, go in and possess it. We don't have to fight for it anymore, Jesus already did that for us on the cross!

It is not my fault that you don't have joy or peace in your life! I can't factory make joy, but God can give it to me or to you! He has enough for all of us! And I've claimed my joy!

I receive my joy!

Do you have it?